….Because it’s not “Official”, but pretty much concrete. And you just want to shout about it, because THAT area of your life had – up until fairly recently – been soul destroying, and anxiety inducing. But now, things are looking MUCH brighter!! And on the inside you’re doing a celebration dance, and smiling like a goon……..But nope! You can’t present that to the world. Not yet. Arrrrghh!!
🙂
I spend way too much time in my head:
thinking about the past,
thinking about the future,
thinking about anything other than this moment right now,
having conversations that probably won’t happen,
or maybe they will,
but probably not.
Feeling the hurt anyway.
No, no….it’s *absolutely* FINE for you to turn up half an hour after the 30 minutes you told me you were going to be, which was 30 minutes after you were due at our meeting!!
It’s *absolutely* not like I have anything better to do, being a volunteer and all, being the only one in the building, and only having to be in to meet with YOU!!
Yeah, I’m *absolutely* OK with waiting around an extra hour, in a freezing cold building, when the boiler is faulty and cannot be switched on, and it’s actually colder inside than it is outside!!
And I *absolutely* didn’t need you to apologise for your tardiness.
I *absolutely* wasn’t bothered by the fact you arrived without a care in the world.
Because it’s *absolutely* acceptable to be SO F#£{ING LATE in a professional environment!!!!
It’s *absolutely* acceptable for you TO TAKE THE F#£{ING P*$$!!!!
**ANGRY FACE**
**Rant Over!!**
A while ago I was able to access a number of sessions of Interpersonal Therapy. Ten weeks worth to be precise, and I found it very useful to be able to simply speak with someone, and to get things out of my head. For so long in my life there has been no-one, and I’ve felt very alone in dealing with the storm of thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I’m very much a dweller/obsessor, and situations will cycle around my mind for an annoyingly long time. But, having an outlet has proved to be hugely beneficial. I found speaking about things, means for the most part, I can “let go” and move away from the obsession.
The therapy has ended now, so I need another outlet. I’m thinking this place might be it – can’t make any promises though, I am notoriously bad at “keeping at it” when it comes to blogs/diaries etc., but I am gonna make a good go of it! I have way too much crud in my mind to keep it to myself.
Sometimes it’s gradual, and sometimes it’s much more instantaneous. Sometimes I fight it, and sometimes I just, have to give in. The darkness is perhaps inevitable for some of us, or all of us, even if just for the briefest of time frames. No one can be happy all of the time.
My darkness came today, in fact it’s here right now. Sat on my shoulders, entwined in my mood, leaking from my eyes. And yet, I feel slightly removed from it. As if I’m behind a glass screen, watching it alter people’s perception of me. I care, but I don’t. I’m fed up of coping, holding it back. I needed to crack. Needed to let it consume me for a while. And now the numbness is encroaching, and in a way, is comforting. Not feeling. Not on edge. Just, existing. On autopilot. Still in the dark, but it doesn’t matter.
SadGirlHappy 